Dating is complicated. With the global marriage rate declining, the Jewish community, through its thousand-year-old “shidduch” system is trying to stay far away from that decline.
A “shidduch” is usually used to describe a match, someone you have been set up with, or going out with. In the Jewish Community, the shidduch system is one of the main forces keeping the community alive, and growing.
The shidduch system has worked similarly to how it used to many years ago. The purpose of a shidduch is strictly for marriage. There’s always a matchmaker, the “shadchan’” who finds the match, coordinates the dates, and handles the communication. The couple meets and each individually tells the matchmaker if they would like to continue or not.
There is an overall divorce rate of 50% in the United States compared to a 14% divorce rate for the general Jewish population and 5% for the Haredi population in Israel. Concurrently, the world’s Jewish population has been growing at a steady rate.
The shidduch system is not just for religious Jews. One shadchanit, Shoshana from Efrat, who has been setting people up for over 30 years, works with everyone and anyone. She and her husband have set up at least 40 couples over the years. Before she sets someone up, she asks them what they’re looking for and what their personality traits are. When I spoke to her, she was proud of all her matches, remembering each nuanced story, boasting about the handicapped couple that still calls her on their anniversary.
This system functions to safeguard Jewish communities. In the Haredi communities, this system is one of, if not the sole way people marry. While we see some communities declining in numbers, the Haredi population is projected to be 35% of the Jewish population in Israel. At 83%, the share of married haredim over the age of 20 is much greater than that among non-haredi Jews at 62%. This can be explained by the younger age at which people get married within haredi society, which can be greatly attributed to the general acceptance and use of the shidduch system.
Today, there are apps and websites like sawyouatsinai.com that set single people up with their very own online matchmaker.
For Shoshana and her husband, she considers herself to “represent” the singles she is trying to set up and has a small write-up of each one in what she calls the “database.” She uses different descriptors to organize matches based on religious level and preference. She then connects with other matchmakers.” “I get this intuitiveness, I look at that pictures together and I get the sense that this is really a good shidduch.” Perhaps it is this personal investment that leads to so many successes.
After our conversation Shoshana tells me she has “the perfect guy” for me, “he’s a sweet nurse,” she says. I thanked her and told her I’d think about it and call her back.
